"You offend God not only by stealing, taking the Lord's name in vain or coveting your neighbor's wife, but also by wrecking the environment [and by] carrying out morally debatable experiments that manipulate DNA or harm embryos.''

To paraphrase the Susan B. Anthony quote that appears atop this blog, the interesting thing about God's view of sin is that it always coincides with the personal view of whomever is speaking for him. Bishop Gianfranco Girotti, head of the Apostolic Penitentiary, said the above to the Vatican's official newspaper, l'Osservatore Romano. I might be convinced that creating a large carbon footprint offends God if God had said something about it before it became a cause celebre. Had a bishop said in, say, 1609, that the internal cumbustion engine would create a worldwide environmental catastrophe--that would be impressive. It would demonstrate that God has knowledge beyond what his followers currently know or believe. I'd like God, through the good Bishop Girotti, to make a statement concerning a currently unknown future sin. If Bishop Girotti says, "The use of interflilbegets will harm the ordfarts, and that is sinful," and then 100 years from now those things are either invented or discovered--who could deny that? I wouldn't be inclined to believe in God (I may be alive in 100 years, thanks to science), but it would definitely be an impressive display of prognostication.

"People don't really know, but my foundation has always been in Christ."
Foxy Brown, described in the New York Post as a "raunchy rapper," last week wrapped up an 8-month stint in Rikers Island. She was sentenced to a year in prison for violating parole when she used her Blackberry to hammer someone in the face. So, Foxy, do you really want to know why people don't know your foundation has always been in Christ? Because you went to jail for beating someone up with your Blackberry while on parole for attacking a manicurist. Maybe if you believed in Jesus they way you say you do you wouldn't have ended up in the clink. Just a thought.

"I'm not being whupped by the devil; I am being punished by my God. I know that my disobedience put me in the situation I am in."

That's Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, referring to allegations that he lied under oath during a whistleblower suit filed by two former police officers about his romantic relationship with his chief of staff, Christine Beatty. Months after a jury awarded the whistleblowers $8 million, text messages were discovered in which Kilpatrick and Beatty, who are married to other people, declared their love for one another, arranged get-togethers in motel rooms, and discussed the firing of Deputy Police Chief Gary Brown.

Kilpatrick is right about one thing: he is being punished for being disobedient, but for disobedience to man’s law, not God’s. What always amazes me is the way people interpret the hard work of the police and prosecutors as the punishing hand of God. Kilpatrick lied under oath, and now that he's been caught and faces jail time for perjury God steps in to teach him a lesson? It’s difficult to imagine why God would choose to punish Kilpatrick’s perjury and not, say, the adultery itself. Both are frowned upon in the Ten Commandments. Allegedly.

So what is Kilpatrick doing here? Why, he’s creating the fiction that he is a God-fearing man, something that will no doubt help him if he ever faces a jury. It also creates the impression that God is already punishing him, so civil authority need not punish him further. It's a ploy to poison the jury pool, plain and simple.

Now let's hope that God continues punishing Kilpatrick by giving him incompetent counsel.

"If there's one thing in the world that God would truly damn, it would be war."
Sally Field, speaking to Matt Lauer about being bleeped during the last Emmy telecast for saying "goddamned war." Hate to disagree, Sally. It's obvious that if God loves anything, it's war. Lots and lots of war.

"There's only one explanation for it, and it's not a human one."
Holy moley! Republican presidential wannabe and former Baptist minister Mike Huckabee is surging in the polls because of his vast network of volunteer zombies eating the brains of primary voters! Alert the media!

"We have come together for one reason only: to very reverently and respectfully pray up a storm."
Georgia Governor Sonny Purdue on his bold plan to end the 14-month-long drought punishing his state. Keep up the good work, Mr. Governor. I'm sure the people of Georgia elected you to for your ability to perform a rain dance, minus the dancing. Funny thing is that the cause of the drought in part was Purdue allowing an outdoor theme park to create a million-gallon pile of artificial snow. Maybe he should pray that he doesn't get voted out of office for his shortsightedness. I'm sure God will help him out. Just as soon as He answers the prayer for rain.

"[The sun] started from purple, to green, blue-ish, yellowy, and orange, and then when it changed to orange it appeared like a moon, and there was like a veil that covered it. It lasted like two minutes. Then another cycle. There were three cycles.... While the color changes, the sun goes up and down, left and right... And it spins very fast. It was like pulsating."
Victoria Tancio of Leonia, who witnessed this celestial impossibility on October 12 at a shrine in Warren, New Jersey, dedicated to Catholic shrine dedicated to the supposed appearance of the Virgin Mary to three young girls in Fatima, Portugal, in 1917. Funny thing is that I don't recall the sun behaving like that, and there was no mention of a pulsating purple sun on the news that night. Seems like the kind of thing someone would have mentioned.

"God's trying to tell me he doesn't want me using drugs because every time I use them I get caught."
Actor and recidivist drug user Tom Sizemore, as quoted by the Associated Press. It's either God telling him not to use drugs or the judge. Same thing, really.

"We live in a litigious society. Anyone can get mad and file a lawsuit against another person whether they have a legitimate case or not. This lawsuit ... is about intimidation, blackmail and extortion."
God, speaking to Richard Roberts, president of Oral Roberts University, as quoted by the Associated Press. The son of Oral Roberts--who once raised $8 million from worshipers by claiming God would kill him unless the ransom was raised--Richard is accused of spending university money for personal expenses, among other crimes. Here's my question: would God have to tell Roberts to deny allegations that weren't true? Shouldn't Roberts himself know the the truth without God's help?

"And my personal view of it is I need God's help for everything."
Republican presidential hopeful and former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani on the importance of religion in his life, as quoted by the Associated Press. Man, I'd hate to God when Rudy has the trots or wants to masturbate.

"If there was something good that came out of it, it's that I found a new love and a new trust for the Lord."
Former Foreigner lead singer Lou Gramm, who is recovering from brain surgery that used a laser to remove a benign brain tumor that was previously thought to be inoperable, as quoted by the Newhouse News Service. Gramm was alerted to the new laser procedure "by the grace of God"--actually a segment on the ABC news show "20/20," which Gramm happened to be watching. Gramm is currently recording a Christian rock album. No joke there. Is one even necessary?

“The Lord told me to ask. It’s for my church.”
Rev. Stephen Parrott, asking for a $25,000 “loan” from Cynthia Fleming, who had received a substantial death benefit following the suicide of her Marine son in Iraq in March 2006, as quoted in the New Jersey Star-Ledger. Over the next two months Parrot “borrowed” a total of $75,000 from the grieving mother. He hasn’t paid her back, and since Fleming went public with her story others have accused Parrot of bilking them out of thousands, all in the name of supporting his church.

"God and the Devil get blamed for a whole lot of things."
Bishop Fred Rubin, a member of the governing board of Parrott’s denomination, the Church of Our Lord Jesus Christ of the Apostolic Faith Inc, on Parrott’s motivation for “borrowing” thousands because God told him to. No one has ever summed up the philosophy behind Who’s Thanking God This Week? better than Bishop Fred Rubin.

"I'm upset with myself, and, you know, through this situation I found Jesus and asked him for forgiveness and turned my life over to God. And I think that's the right thing to do as of right now."
Football player and dogfighting fan Michael Vick in his statement following his guilty plea to conspiracy in connection with his running a dogfighting ring, as quoted in the Associated Press. Soon, Vick will be turning himself over to someone else, someone who may want to call him Mary. But hey, at least Jesus can count on one more MySpace friend.

"You let me win the lottery and I'll teach."
Accountant and sometime Wicca and Reiki healing instructor Elwood "Bunky" Bartlett on the deal he struck with the "multiple gods" of Wiccan theology to win part of a $330 million Mega Millions lottery, as quoted by the Associated Press. Perhaps "Bunky" also made a deal with the inanimate lottery machine, considering it picked the winning number randomly.

“Iowa, for good reason, for constitutional reasons, for reasons related to the Lord, should be the first caucus and primary."
Bill Richardson, New Mexico’s governor and Democratic presidential hopeful, during a speech in the state, as quoted in the Des Moines Register. Tell you what, it will certainly be fun to see how Richardson tries to explain what he meant before he announces his regret in saying it.

"We are just so grateful to God for another gift from him. We are just so thankful to him that everything went just very well."
Jim Bob Duggar, whose wife, Michelle, has just given birth to the couple's 17th child, as quoted on CBS News' Web site. I think it's time that Jim Bob takes a course in biology so he can get up to speed on the whole egg and sperm thing.

"Now, I would like to make a difference. ... God has given me this new chance."
Paris Hilton, in a phone interview with Barbara Walters from jail, as quoted in the Associated Press. It's nice to see that God has a plan for Paris Hilton. I was worried for a moment that she wouldn't have anything to do once she got out of jail.

"I was kind of praying to God. I was saying, 'I don't care if it's worth whatever it's worth, I don't care if it's a tiny little sliver of something, I just want something.' Ten minutes later, I just found it."
Thirteen-year-old Nicole Ruhter, relating the story of how she discovered a 2.93-carat diamond at the Crater of Diamonds State Park in Murfreesboro, Ark., as quoted by the Associated Press. What are the odds of finding a diamond in a park called the Crater of Diamonds State Park, where an average of two diamonds are found each day? If only she had actually been praying to God instead of “kind of praying” she might have found this: a diamond-encrusted skull.

"My past life was hell. I was homeless, jobless, in jail. I knew I had a drug and alcohol problem but I didn't know how to deal with it. But when I look at that X-ray, I think, 'God must love me.'"
Richard Goetschius, who escaped injury after accidentally being shot in the head with a 10-penny nail by a coworker at a construction site in 2004, as quoted by The Star-Ledger. The three-inch long nail missed all vital brain structures and was removed without incident. Personally, I'd prefer God profess His love for me with a nice box a chocolates and a handwritten note than with a nail shot into my head, but I'm a hopeless romantic.

"I must admit I can't imagine anything more awful than polygamy."
Republican flip-flopper Mitt Romney, trying to distance himself from the only attractive aspect of Mormon theology, as quoted in Time magazine. So, Mitt, nothing is more awful than polygamy? How about, oh, I don't know, child molestation, beheading, murder, fire ants in your anus, rape, According to Jim, Crystal Pepsi, cancer, arthritis, being pro-life your entire political career until you run for your party's presidential nomination. Wait! What about seasonal allergies, hookworm, drive-by shootings, heroin addiction....