"And my personal view of it is I need God's help for everything."
Republican presidential hopeful and former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani on the importance of religion in his life, as quoted by the Associated Press. Man, I'd hate to God when Rudy has the trots or wants to masturbate.

"If there was something good that came out of it, it's that I found a new love and a new trust for the Lord."
Former Foreigner lead singer Lou Gramm, who is recovering from brain surgery that used a laser to remove a benign brain tumor that was previously thought to be inoperable, as quoted by the Newhouse News Service. Gramm was alerted to the new laser procedure "by the grace of God"--actually a segment on the ABC news show "20/20," which Gramm happened to be watching. Gramm is currently recording a Christian rock album. No joke there. Is one even necessary?

“The Lord told me to ask. It’s for my church.”
Rev. Stephen Parrott, asking for a $25,000 “loan” from Cynthia Fleming, who had received a substantial death benefit following the suicide of her Marine son in Iraq in March 2006, as quoted in the New Jersey Star-Ledger. Over the next two months Parrot “borrowed” a total of $75,000 from the grieving mother. He hasn’t paid her back, and since Fleming went public with her story others have accused Parrot of bilking them out of thousands, all in the name of supporting his church.

"God and the Devil get blamed for a whole lot of things."
Bishop Fred Rubin, a member of the governing board of Parrott’s denomination, the Church of Our Lord Jesus Christ of the Apostolic Faith Inc, on Parrott’s motivation for “borrowing” thousands because God told him to. No one has ever summed up the philosophy behind Who’s Thanking God This Week? better than Bishop Fred Rubin.

"I'm upset with myself, and, you know, through this situation I found Jesus and asked him for forgiveness and turned my life over to God. And I think that's the right thing to do as of right now."
Football player and dogfighting fan Michael Vick in his statement following his guilty plea to conspiracy in connection with his running a dogfighting ring, as quoted in the Associated Press. Soon, Vick will be turning himself over to someone else, someone who may want to call him Mary. But hey, at least Jesus can count on one more MySpace friend.

"You let me win the lottery and I'll teach."
Accountant and sometime Wicca and Reiki healing instructor Elwood "Bunky" Bartlett on the deal he struck with the "multiple gods" of Wiccan theology to win part of a $330 million Mega Millions lottery, as quoted by the Associated Press. Perhaps "Bunky" also made a deal with the inanimate lottery machine, considering it picked the winning number randomly.

“Iowa, for good reason, for constitutional reasons, for reasons related to the Lord, should be the first caucus and primary."
Bill Richardson, New Mexico’s governor and Democratic presidential hopeful, during a speech in the state, as quoted in the Des Moines Register. Tell you what, it will certainly be fun to see how Richardson tries to explain what he meant before he announces his regret in saying it.