"There's only one explanation for it, and it's not a human one."
Holy moley! Republican presidential wannabe and former Baptist minister Mike Huckabee is surging in the polls because of his vast network of volunteer zombies eating the brains of primary voters! Alert the media!

"We have come together for one reason only: to very reverently and respectfully pray up a storm."
Georgia Governor Sonny Purdue on his bold plan to end the 14-month-long drought punishing his state. Keep up the good work, Mr. Governor. I'm sure the people of Georgia elected you to for your ability to perform a rain dance, minus the dancing. Funny thing is that the cause of the drought in part was Purdue allowing an outdoor theme park to create a million-gallon pile of artificial snow. Maybe he should pray that he doesn't get voted out of office for his shortsightedness. I'm sure God will help him out. Just as soon as He answers the prayer for rain.

"[The sun] started from purple, to green, blue-ish, yellowy, and orange, and then when it changed to orange it appeared like a moon, and there was like a veil that covered it. It lasted like two minutes. Then another cycle. There were three cycles.... While the color changes, the sun goes up and down, left and right... And it spins very fast. It was like pulsating."
Victoria Tancio of Leonia, who witnessed this celestial impossibility on October 12 at a shrine in Warren, New Jersey, dedicated to Catholic shrine dedicated to the supposed appearance of the Virgin Mary to three young girls in Fatima, Portugal, in 1917. Funny thing is that I don't recall the sun behaving like that, and there was no mention of a pulsating purple sun on the news that night. Seems like the kind of thing someone would have mentioned.

"God's trying to tell me he doesn't want me using drugs because every time I use them I get caught."
Actor and recidivist drug user Tom Sizemore, as quoted by the Associated Press. It's either God telling him not to use drugs or the judge. Same thing, really.

"We live in a litigious society. Anyone can get mad and file a lawsuit against another person whether they have a legitimate case or not. This lawsuit ... is about intimidation, blackmail and extortion."
God, speaking to Richard Roberts, president of Oral Roberts University, as quoted by the Associated Press. The son of Oral Roberts--who once raised $8 million from worshipers by claiming God would kill him unless the ransom was raised--Richard is accused of spending university money for personal expenses, among other crimes. Here's my question: would God have to tell Roberts to deny allegations that weren't true? Shouldn't Roberts himself know the the truth without God's help?

"And my personal view of it is I need God's help for everything."
Republican presidential hopeful and former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani on the importance of religion in his life, as quoted by the Associated Press. Man, I'd hate to God when Rudy has the trots or wants to masturbate.

"If there was something good that came out of it, it's that I found a new love and a new trust for the Lord."
Former Foreigner lead singer Lou Gramm, who is recovering from brain surgery that used a laser to remove a benign brain tumor that was previously thought to be inoperable, as quoted by the Newhouse News Service. Gramm was alerted to the new laser procedure "by the grace of God"--actually a segment on the ABC news show "20/20," which Gramm happened to be watching. Gramm is currently recording a Christian rock album. No joke there. Is one even necessary?

“The Lord told me to ask. It’s for my church.”
Rev. Stephen Parrott, asking for a $25,000 “loan” from Cynthia Fleming, who had received a substantial death benefit following the suicide of her Marine son in Iraq in March 2006, as quoted in the New Jersey Star-Ledger. Over the next two months Parrot “borrowed” a total of $75,000 from the grieving mother. He hasn’t paid her back, and since Fleming went public with her story others have accused Parrot of bilking them out of thousands, all in the name of supporting his church.

"God and the Devil get blamed for a whole lot of things."
Bishop Fred Rubin, a member of the governing board of Parrott’s denomination, the Church of Our Lord Jesus Christ of the Apostolic Faith Inc, on Parrott’s motivation for “borrowing” thousands because God told him to. No one has ever summed up the philosophy behind Who’s Thanking God This Week? better than Bishop Fred Rubin.

"I'm upset with myself, and, you know, through this situation I found Jesus and asked him for forgiveness and turned my life over to God. And I think that's the right thing to do as of right now."
Football player and dogfighting fan Michael Vick in his statement following his guilty plea to conspiracy in connection with his running a dogfighting ring, as quoted in the Associated Press. Soon, Vick will be turning himself over to someone else, someone who may want to call him Mary. But hey, at least Jesus can count on one more MySpace friend.

"You let me win the lottery and I'll teach."
Accountant and sometime Wicca and Reiki healing instructor Elwood "Bunky" Bartlett on the deal he struck with the "multiple gods" of Wiccan theology to win part of a $330 million Mega Millions lottery, as quoted by the Associated Press. Perhaps "Bunky" also made a deal with the inanimate lottery machine, considering it picked the winning number randomly.

“Iowa, for good reason, for constitutional reasons, for reasons related to the Lord, should be the first caucus and primary."
Bill Richardson, New Mexico’s governor and Democratic presidential hopeful, during a speech in the state, as quoted in the Des Moines Register. Tell you what, it will certainly be fun to see how Richardson tries to explain what he meant before he announces his regret in saying it.

"We are just so grateful to God for another gift from him. We are just so thankful to him that everything went just very well."
Jim Bob Duggar, whose wife, Michelle, has just given birth to the couple's 17th child, as quoted on CBS News' Web site. I think it's time that Jim Bob takes a course in biology so he can get up to speed on the whole egg and sperm thing.

"Now, I would like to make a difference. ... God has given me this new chance."
Paris Hilton, in a phone interview with Barbara Walters from jail, as quoted in the Associated Press. It's nice to see that God has a plan for Paris Hilton. I was worried for a moment that she wouldn't have anything to do once she got out of jail.

"I was kind of praying to God. I was saying, 'I don't care if it's worth whatever it's worth, I don't care if it's a tiny little sliver of something, I just want something.' Ten minutes later, I just found it."
Thirteen-year-old Nicole Ruhter, relating the story of how she discovered a 2.93-carat diamond at the Crater of Diamonds State Park in Murfreesboro, Ark., as quoted by the Associated Press. What are the odds of finding a diamond in a park called the Crater of Diamonds State Park, where an average of two diamonds are found each day? If only she had actually been praying to God instead of “kind of praying” she might have found this: a diamond-encrusted skull.

"My past life was hell. I was homeless, jobless, in jail. I knew I had a drug and alcohol problem but I didn't know how to deal with it. But when I look at that X-ray, I think, 'God must love me.'"
Richard Goetschius, who escaped injury after accidentally being shot in the head with a 10-penny nail by a coworker at a construction site in 2004, as quoted by The Star-Ledger. The three-inch long nail missed all vital brain structures and was removed without incident. Personally, I'd prefer God profess His love for me with a nice box a chocolates and a handwritten note than with a nail shot into my head, but I'm a hopeless romantic.

"I must admit I can't imagine anything more awful than polygamy."
Republican flip-flopper Mitt Romney, trying to distance himself from the only attractive aspect of Mormon theology, as quoted in Time magazine. So, Mitt, nothing is more awful than polygamy? How about, oh, I don't know, child molestation, beheading, murder, fire ants in your anus, rape, According to Jim, Crystal Pepsi, cancer, arthritis, being pro-life your entire political career until you run for your party's presidential nomination. Wait! What about seasonal allergies, hookworm, drive-by shootings, heroin addiction....

This week total nutjob Jerry Falwell died. Hold your applause, folks. He did a lot of damage to America and the world through his hateful speech and intolerant beliefs. Falwell was a menace to society and an abomination to every rational-minded person on the planet. I'm glad he's gone, and I'm sure you'll agree after reading the Falwell quotes below. (Thanks to the CDP for posting Falwell quotes and inspiring this entry. Take note that the CDP does not endorse the views expressed above [or below, for that matter]). On to the Falwell lunacy!

"If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being."

"The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country."

"If we are going to save America and evangelize the world, we cannot accommodate secular philosophies that are diametrically opposed to Christian truth... We need to pull out all the stops to recruit and train 25 million Americans to become informed pro-moral activists whose voices can be heard in the halls of Congress. I am convinced that America can be turned around if we will all get serious about the Master's business. It may be late, but it is never too late to do what is right. We need an old-fashioned, God-honoring, Christ-exalting revival to turn American back to God. America can be saved!"

"The Bible is the inerrant ... word of the living God. It is absolutely infallible,without error in all matters pertaining to faith and practice, as well as in areas such as geography, science, history, etc."

"AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals."

"And, I know that I'll hear from them for this. But, throwing God out successfully with the help of the federal court system, throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools. The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America--I point the finger in their face and say, 'You helped this happen.' " --Falwell's take on the cause of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon by Muslim extremists

"I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!"

"There is no separation of church and state. Modern US Supreme Courts have raped the Constitution and raped the Christian faith and raped the churches by misinterpreting what the Founders had in mind in the First Amendment to the Constitution."

"The ACLU is to Christians what the American Nazi party is to Jews."

All quotes taken from Positive Atheism (http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/quotes/foulwell.htm)

"All my books are God-given. There's no reason for me to have become a writer. I'm really just a stenographer."
June Cerza Kolf, author of six books on religion, as quoted in the LA Daily News.

"In the photo you see me—one person as it were—against many. But that's only an illusion. Behind the many stood one man—(Israeli Prime Minister Ehud) Olmert. Behind me stood the Lord Blessed Be He, and the people of Israel."
Nili, the 15-year-old girl whose brave stand against a phalanx of riot-gear clad Israeli soldiers seeking to demolish home illegally built in the West Bank was the subject of a Pulitzer-prize winning photograph, as quoted by the Associated Press. The riot police pushed past her and eventually destroyed the homes, which says something about God's follow-through.

"In the name of Jesus Christ, breathe."
Certified nurse Louise Castaneda, to an unresponsive 2-year-old boy found in a foot of water on whom she was performing CPR, as quoted in the Kalamazoo Gazette. Not to self: invite Louise over for dinner for the rest of my life.

"I well remember the challenge we evangelicals faced in 1980 when our candidate, Ronald Reagan, was the first presidential candidate who had gone through a divorce. We wisely made allowance for God's forgiveness and America was the beneficiary of this historic champion."
Rev. Jerry Falwell in a recent newsletter discussing the reason why evangelicals should support Newt Gingrich's expected bid to run for president in 2008, despite the recent revelation that Gingrich had cheated on his second wife with a congressional aide. Interestingly, Gingrich conducted the affair while he pursued the impeachment of then President Bill Clinton for lying under oath about his affair with Monica Lewinsky. Still, it's nice to know that Falwell can vouch for God forgiving a violation of one of the 10 Commandments.

"God is angry."
Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan, as quoted in the Washington Post. Something tells me he's projecting.

"I believe in God."
Michael LaSane, who pleaded guilty to the 1996 slaying of Middletown, NJ, teacher Kathleen Weinstein, as quoted in a transcript of a tape recording Weinstein secretly made as she repeatedly begged for her life. LaSane carjacked Weinstein and suffocated her so that he could keep her car as a present to himself for his 17th birthday. LaSane's plea was overturned in 2004 when it was revealed that his public defender engaged ina sexual relationship with LaSane's mother. LaSane is currently set to be tried again.

"The Earth was designed and built by God, who still has his hand on the thermostat."
Ill-informed Hopewell Township, Penn., resident Joe Reynolds, in a letter to the editor of The Beaver County Times debunking the scientific evidence in the global warming documentary An Incovenient Truth. If God were anything like my dad, He'd be turning the thermostat down, not up, and yelling at us to wear a sweater.

"It's amazing to me that God took three different women from three different walks of life and created the Dreamgirls. We were meant to be together."
American Idol also-ran, Golden Globe winner, and Best Supporting Actress nominee Jennifer Hudson, as quoted in Essence. It's nice to see God taking time out of his busy schedule of keeping the universe in order to cast a movie musical.

"You can't always expect God to make things easy."
John Bul Dau, Sudanese "Lost Boy" and focus of the new documentary God Grew Tired of Us, as quoted in People magazine. When civil war broke out in the Sudan in 1984, Dau, then 12, fled government fighting by walking more than a thousand miles to refugee camps in Ethiopia and Kenya. "We chewed the grass," said Dau. "We drank mud and urine. It was a very bad life."

"I prayed and I talked to God and I found an apartment. I always felt that God has his hand on me."
Tory Lewis, a formerly homeless mother of one, on how the Lord helped her move out of a shelter, as quoted in Florida's News Leader. Because Lewis believes that God has been guiding her life, one would also have to assume that God pushed her onto the streets in the first place.

"God chose me to be His servant. There is such a thing as freedom of speech.''
San Mateo, Calif., resident Estrella Benavides, who has taken to painting on her house and car messages she recieves from God, as quoted in the San Franciso Chronicle. The 48-year-old woman began painting God's words on her house (see picture below) a year ago, around the time that her husband left her and she lost custody of her son. San Mateo city officials have threatend her with fines of up to $10,00 a day if she does not stop painting the messages on her house, an action that prompted the above quote. And last month as part of a religious fast, she had two pins inserted through her lips to prevent herself from eating.

"Listen, I believe in prayer. I pray every night."
Senator John McCain (R-AZ) on how he plans to end the war in Iraq if he were president, as quoted in Vanity Fair. Keep that up, John. It's working so far.

“The Lord didn’t say nuclear, but I do believe it’ll be something like that--that’ll be a mass killing, possibly millions of people, major cities injured.”
Kook preacher Pat Robinson's prediction that the United States will fall victim to a terrorist attack in the latter half of 2007, as quoted on The 700 Club, Robinson's Home Shopping Network for other religious kooks. Robinson makes annual predictions based on his conversations with God. Not all of his prognostications come to pass, just like those contained in the Bible.