"Teach your kids Santa Claus is dead and Jesus is alive!"

It's ironic that the South African-based ChristianView Network is declaring dead one fictitious man who keeps track of all the bad things you've done so that he can withhold undeserved rewards while simultaneously declaring another alive.

Below is a handy table from Unreasonable Faith comparing belief in Santa to belief in God. Click on it or the Unreasonable Faith link to view the full-size chart.

"Victims should receive compassion and care, and those responsible for these evils must be brought to justice."

It's a rare day that finds me agreeing with Pope Super Bowl XVI, but it just goes to show that even a Jersey atheist and the head of a billion Christians can agree that punishing priests who raped and molested children--and the powerful men who failed to stop the rapes and molestation by shuffling pervert priests from one parish to another--is of paramount importance.

That's why I'm here to tell the pope where he can find one of those powerful men who aided rapists and molesters, one of the men who failed to protect children by putting the image of the Church before his duty as a human being. Using one of the most technologically advanced research tools known to man--Google--I have found a man who deserves to be on To Catch a Predator. I know his name, and I know where he works.

His name is Bernard Francis Cardinal Law, and he works at the Vatican. Yes, that Cardinal Law, and yes, that Vatican.

A quick recap: in 2002 Cardinal Law resigned as archbishop of Boston after it was revealed that he knew about complaints against priests raping and molesting boys and not only didn't report the crimes to the police but instead simply transferred the priest to different parishes, offering them a new life--and new children to rape and molest. Despite this stunning revelation, two years later Cardinal Law was named archpriest of St. Mary Major in Rome, a house of worship that Boston Magazine describes this way:

The church, which features a special altar reserved for the use of the pope, predates the fall of the Roman empire and contains 15 centuries’ worth of priceless art. Surely the man who raised a $1.5 million private donation to refurbish Boston’s Cathedral of the Holy Cross appreciates the privilege of offering Mass surrounded by fifth-century mosaics and an ornate ceiling that is said to have been gilded with the first haul of ore Columbus brought back from the New World.

Cardinal Law should be in jail, and not just because he's praying under gold most likely mined with slave labor. He knew that children were being raped and molested, and instead of being punished he's being reward with a cushy position and a $5000-a-month salary

The pope is lying when he says he wants justice for the victims of rape and molestation at the hands of priests because he gave a job to one of the men who perpetuated the crimes. He is not concerned with the well-being of children anymore than Cardinal law was. If he were, he'd hand Law over to the law and let the pedophile protector live his last days not under an opulent canopy but as some lifer's bitch, making 12 cents a day in the prison laundry.

"I felt that I heard God's spirit beckoning me. I submitted myself to his will, and dedicated myself to discovering his truth."

Barack Obama says these words in a new radio ad designed to convince Evangelicals that not only is he not a Muslim but that if he is elected president he will continue George W. Bush's work in making America a Christian theocracy. Even though I recognize the impossibility of winning the presidency without wearing Jesus on your sleeve and a flag on your lapel, I'm still disappointed to see Obama blatantly pandering to this vocal wing-nut section of the populace. It would have been refreshing to hear him say something like, "Yeah, I love Jesus, but do I really want to force that love down the throats of those who don't?" A man can dream.

"Only God who appointed me will remove me--not the MDC, not the British."

Zimbabwe's President Robert Mugabe was named the seventh worst dictator in the world by no less of an authority on geopolitics than Sunday supplement Parade magazine. (Here's the entry on him: http://www.parade.com/articles/web_exclusives/2007/02-11-2007/dictators07.html.) So you know he must be bass-ass. Well, then what's with the God talk?

Well, he's a crazy dictator. In response to a planned runoff election that many--and by his reaction, Mugabe himself--believe would strip him of power, Mugabe instituted a campaign of violence against--read "killing members of"--the opposition party, the Movement for Democratic Change, or MDC. Morgan Tsvangiri, head of the MDC, pulled out of the election, saying that the strong arm of Mugabe's government made the possibility of a fair election impossible. I'm guessing, too, that he's afraid for his life and the lives of his family.

The British government decried the violence and the effective cancellation of the runoff election.
"We do not recognize [Mugambe's] regime as legitimate," said British Prime Minister Gordon Browns. The British should know; in 1980, they handed Zimbabwe--then known as Southern Rhodesia--over to Mugabe.

Throughout history, crazy, power-hungry leaders have invoked a god's blessing as the reason for their ascent to power. If God wants Mugabe in power then anything he does to retain that power is justified--even killing and torturing those who oppose him. There is hope, though, and it comes from LA-based band Concrete Blonde: God is a bullet.

Have mercy on us, everyone.

"Even without a religion, we can become a good human being."
Oh, Dalai Lama, you had me at tashi dele.

"As there is a multiplicity of creatures on earth, so there may be other beings, intelligent, created by God. This does not conflict with our faith, because we cannot put limits on the creative freedom of God."

Four hundred years after the Catholic Church prosecuted Galileo for heresy for recognizing that the Earth orbits the Sun, it comes out with this stunner: alien life forms almost certainly exist on distant planets and we should consider them brothers. Considering that there's a greater chance of ETs existing than God himself, I'd say this is a brilliant move on the Church's part.

It's clear what the Vatican is doing: it's positioning itself as peacemaker between the horrifying invading armies of renegade aliens that are standing ready in silent formation on the dark side of the moon and the helpless humans who are stand in the way of all that much-needed liquid water and precious iron ore. The Vatican hopes to spare itself from the wrath of the vengeful, invading hoards. If they succeed, the aliens will allow them stay on Earth to toil in the salt mines or to bury the human carcases of men who dared defy their new ET overlords as it carries away scores of humans to serve as humorous distractions in their intergalactic zoos.

Is there another reason why the Church would waste a breath on the subject of life outside our solar system? Is the Vatican so strapped for good PR that it releases such a nonsense story? No comment on the priest sex abuse scandal for years, but now we know its position how we should regard beings from another planet? Could this story make the Church any more irrelevant than it already is?

"You offend God not only by stealing, taking the Lord's name in vain or coveting your neighbor's wife, but also by wrecking the environment [and by] carrying out morally debatable experiments that manipulate DNA or harm embryos.''

To paraphrase the Susan B. Anthony quote that appears atop this blog, the interesting thing about God's view of sin is that it always coincides with the personal view of whomever is speaking for him. Bishop Gianfranco Girotti, head of the Apostolic Penitentiary, said the above to the Vatican's official newspaper, l'Osservatore Romano. I might be convinced that creating a large carbon footprint offends God if God had said something about it before it became a cause celebre. Had a bishop said in, say, 1609, that the internal cumbustion engine would create a worldwide environmental catastrophe--that would be impressive. It would demonstrate that God has knowledge beyond what his followers currently know or believe. I'd like God, through the good Bishop Girotti, to make a statement concerning a currently unknown future sin. If Bishop Girotti says, "The use of interflilbegets will harm the ordfarts, and that is sinful," and then 100 years from now those things are either invented or discovered--who could deny that? I wouldn't be inclined to believe in God (I may be alive in 100 years, thanks to science), but it would definitely be an impressive display of prognostication.

"People don't really know, but my foundation has always been in Christ."
Foxy Brown, described in the New York Post as a "raunchy rapper," last week wrapped up an 8-month stint in Rikers Island. She was sentenced to a year in prison for violating parole when she used her Blackberry to hammer someone in the face. So, Foxy, do you really want to know why people don't know your foundation has always been in Christ? Because you went to jail for beating someone up with your Blackberry while on parole for attacking a manicurist. Maybe if you believed in Jesus they way you say you do you wouldn't have ended up in the clink. Just a thought.

"I'm not being whupped by the devil; I am being punished by my God. I know that my disobedience put me in the situation I am in."

That's Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, referring to allegations that he lied under oath during a whistleblower suit filed by two former police officers about his romantic relationship with his chief of staff, Christine Beatty. Months after a jury awarded the whistleblowers $8 million, text messages were discovered in which Kilpatrick and Beatty, who are married to other people, declared their love for one another, arranged get-togethers in motel rooms, and discussed the firing of Deputy Police Chief Gary Brown.

Kilpatrick is right about one thing: he is being punished for being disobedient, but for disobedience to man’s law, not God’s. What always amazes me is the way people interpret the hard work of the police and prosecutors as the punishing hand of God. Kilpatrick lied under oath, and now that he's been caught and faces jail time for perjury God steps in to teach him a lesson? It’s difficult to imagine why God would choose to punish Kilpatrick’s perjury and not, say, the adultery itself. Both are frowned upon in the Ten Commandments. Allegedly.

So what is Kilpatrick doing here? Why, he’s creating the fiction that he is a God-fearing man, something that will no doubt help him if he ever faces a jury. It also creates the impression that God is already punishing him, so civil authority need not punish him further. It's a ploy to poison the jury pool, plain and simple.

Now let's hope that God continues punishing Kilpatrick by giving him incompetent counsel.

"If there's one thing in the world that God would truly damn, it would be war."
Sally Field, speaking to Matt Lauer about being bleeped during the last Emmy telecast for saying "goddamned war." Hate to disagree, Sally. It's obvious that if God loves anything, it's war. Lots and lots of war.

"There's only one explanation for it, and it's not a human one."
Holy moley! Republican presidential wannabe and former Baptist minister Mike Huckabee is surging in the polls because of his vast network of volunteer zombies eating the brains of primary voters! Alert the media!

"We have come together for one reason only: to very reverently and respectfully pray up a storm."
Georgia Governor Sonny Purdue on his bold plan to end the 14-month-long drought punishing his state. Keep up the good work, Mr. Governor. I'm sure the people of Georgia elected you to for your ability to perform a rain dance, minus the dancing. Funny thing is that the cause of the drought in part was Purdue allowing an outdoor theme park to create a million-gallon pile of artificial snow. Maybe he should pray that he doesn't get voted out of office for his shortsightedness. I'm sure God will help him out. Just as soon as He answers the prayer for rain.

"[The sun] started from purple, to green, blue-ish, yellowy, and orange, and then when it changed to orange it appeared like a moon, and there was like a veil that covered it. It lasted like two minutes. Then another cycle. There were three cycles.... While the color changes, the sun goes up and down, left and right... And it spins very fast. It was like pulsating."
Victoria Tancio of Leonia, who witnessed this celestial impossibility on October 12 at a shrine in Warren, New Jersey, dedicated to Catholic shrine dedicated to the supposed appearance of the Virgin Mary to three young girls in Fatima, Portugal, in 1917. Funny thing is that I don't recall the sun behaving like that, and there was no mention of a pulsating purple sun on the news that night. Seems like the kind of thing someone would have mentioned.

"God's trying to tell me he doesn't want me using drugs because every time I use them I get caught."
Actor and recidivist drug user Tom Sizemore, as quoted by the Associated Press. It's either God telling him not to use drugs or the judge. Same thing, really.

"We live in a litigious society. Anyone can get mad and file a lawsuit against another person whether they have a legitimate case or not. This lawsuit ... is about intimidation, blackmail and extortion."
God, speaking to Richard Roberts, president of Oral Roberts University, as quoted by the Associated Press. The son of Oral Roberts--who once raised $8 million from worshipers by claiming God would kill him unless the ransom was raised--Richard is accused of spending university money for personal expenses, among other crimes. Here's my question: would God have to tell Roberts to deny allegations that weren't true? Shouldn't Roberts himself know the the truth without God's help?

"And my personal view of it is I need God's help for everything."
Republican presidential hopeful and former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani on the importance of religion in his life, as quoted by the Associated Press. Man, I'd hate to God when Rudy has the trots or wants to masturbate.

"If there was something good that came out of it, it's that I found a new love and a new trust for the Lord."
Former Foreigner lead singer Lou Gramm, who is recovering from brain surgery that used a laser to remove a benign brain tumor that was previously thought to be inoperable, as quoted by the Newhouse News Service. Gramm was alerted to the new laser procedure "by the grace of God"--actually a segment on the ABC news show "20/20," which Gramm happened to be watching. Gramm is currently recording a Christian rock album. No joke there. Is one even necessary?

“The Lord told me to ask. It’s for my church.”
Rev. Stephen Parrott, asking for a $25,000 “loan” from Cynthia Fleming, who had received a substantial death benefit following the suicide of her Marine son in Iraq in March 2006, as quoted in the New Jersey Star-Ledger. Over the next two months Parrot “borrowed” a total of $75,000 from the grieving mother. He hasn’t paid her back, and since Fleming went public with her story others have accused Parrot of bilking them out of thousands, all in the name of supporting his church.

"God and the Devil get blamed for a whole lot of things."
Bishop Fred Rubin, a member of the governing board of Parrott’s denomination, the Church of Our Lord Jesus Christ of the Apostolic Faith Inc, on Parrott’s motivation for “borrowing” thousands because God told him to. No one has ever summed up the philosophy behind Who’s Thanking God This Week? better than Bishop Fred Rubin.

"I'm upset with myself, and, you know, through this situation I found Jesus and asked him for forgiveness and turned my life over to God. And I think that's the right thing to do as of right now."
Football player and dogfighting fan Michael Vick in his statement following his guilty plea to conspiracy in connection with his running a dogfighting ring, as quoted in the Associated Press. Soon, Vick will be turning himself over to someone else, someone who may want to call him Mary. But hey, at least Jesus can count on one more MySpace friend.

"You let me win the lottery and I'll teach."
Accountant and sometime Wicca and Reiki healing instructor Elwood "Bunky" Bartlett on the deal he struck with the "multiple gods" of Wiccan theology to win part of a $330 million Mega Millions lottery, as quoted by the Associated Press. Perhaps "Bunky" also made a deal with the inanimate lottery machine, considering it picked the winning number randomly.

“Iowa, for good reason, for constitutional reasons, for reasons related to the Lord, should be the first caucus and primary."
Bill Richardson, New Mexico’s governor and Democratic presidential hopeful, during a speech in the state, as quoted in the Des Moines Register. Tell you what, it will certainly be fun to see how Richardson tries to explain what he meant before he announces his regret in saying it.

"We are just so grateful to God for another gift from him. We are just so thankful to him that everything went just very well."
Jim Bob Duggar, whose wife, Michelle, has just given birth to the couple's 17th child, as quoted on CBS News' Web site. I think it's time that Jim Bob takes a course in biology so he can get up to speed on the whole egg and sperm thing.

"Now, I would like to make a difference. ... God has given me this new chance."
Paris Hilton, in a phone interview with Barbara Walters from jail, as quoted in the Associated Press. It's nice to see that God has a plan for Paris Hilton. I was worried for a moment that she wouldn't have anything to do once she got out of jail.

"I was kind of praying to God. I was saying, 'I don't care if it's worth whatever it's worth, I don't care if it's a tiny little sliver of something, I just want something.' Ten minutes later, I just found it."
Thirteen-year-old Nicole Ruhter, relating the story of how she discovered a 2.93-carat diamond at the Crater of Diamonds State Park in Murfreesboro, Ark., as quoted by the Associated Press. What are the odds of finding a diamond in a park called the Crater of Diamonds State Park, where an average of two diamonds are found each day? If only she had actually been praying to God instead of “kind of praying” she might have found this: a diamond-encrusted skull.

"My past life was hell. I was homeless, jobless, in jail. I knew I had a drug and alcohol problem but I didn't know how to deal with it. But when I look at that X-ray, I think, 'God must love me.'"
Richard Goetschius, who escaped injury after accidentally being shot in the head with a 10-penny nail by a coworker at a construction site in 2004, as quoted by The Star-Ledger. The three-inch long nail missed all vital brain structures and was removed without incident. Personally, I'd prefer God profess His love for me with a nice box a chocolates and a handwritten note than with a nail shot into my head, but I'm a hopeless romantic.

"I must admit I can't imagine anything more awful than polygamy."
Republican flip-flopper Mitt Romney, trying to distance himself from the only attractive aspect of Mormon theology, as quoted in Time magazine. So, Mitt, nothing is more awful than polygamy? How about, oh, I don't know, child molestation, beheading, murder, fire ants in your anus, rape, According to Jim, Crystal Pepsi, cancer, arthritis, being pro-life your entire political career until you run for your party's presidential nomination. Wait! What about seasonal allergies, hookworm, drive-by shootings, heroin addiction....

This week total nutjob Jerry Falwell died. Hold your applause, folks. He did a lot of damage to America and the world through his hateful speech and intolerant beliefs. Falwell was a menace to society and an abomination to every rational-minded person on the planet. I'm glad he's gone, and I'm sure you'll agree after reading the Falwell quotes below. (Thanks to the CDP for posting Falwell quotes and inspiring this entry. Take note that the CDP does not endorse the views expressed above [or below, for that matter]). On to the Falwell lunacy!

"If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being."

"The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country."

"If we are going to save America and evangelize the world, we cannot accommodate secular philosophies that are diametrically opposed to Christian truth... We need to pull out all the stops to recruit and train 25 million Americans to become informed pro-moral activists whose voices can be heard in the halls of Congress. I am convinced that America can be turned around if we will all get serious about the Master's business. It may be late, but it is never too late to do what is right. We need an old-fashioned, God-honoring, Christ-exalting revival to turn American back to God. America can be saved!"

"The Bible is the inerrant ... word of the living God. It is absolutely infallible,without error in all matters pertaining to faith and practice, as well as in areas such as geography, science, history, etc."

"AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals."

"And, I know that I'll hear from them for this. But, throwing God out successfully with the help of the federal court system, throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools. The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America--I point the finger in their face and say, 'You helped this happen.' " --Falwell's take on the cause of the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon by Muslim extremists

"I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!"

"There is no separation of church and state. Modern US Supreme Courts have raped the Constitution and raped the Christian faith and raped the churches by misinterpreting what the Founders had in mind in the First Amendment to the Constitution."

"The ACLU is to Christians what the American Nazi party is to Jews."

All quotes taken from Positive Atheism (http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/quotes/foulwell.htm)

"All my books are God-given. There's no reason for me to have become a writer. I'm really just a stenographer."
June Cerza Kolf, author of six books on religion, as quoted in the LA Daily News.

"In the photo you see me—one person as it were—against many. But that's only an illusion. Behind the many stood one man—(Israeli Prime Minister Ehud) Olmert. Behind me stood the Lord Blessed Be He, and the people of Israel."
Nili, the 15-year-old girl whose brave stand against a phalanx of riot-gear clad Israeli soldiers seeking to demolish home illegally built in the West Bank was the subject of a Pulitzer-prize winning photograph, as quoted by the Associated Press. The riot police pushed past her and eventually destroyed the homes, which says something about God's follow-through.

"In the name of Jesus Christ, breathe."
Certified nurse Louise Castaneda, to an unresponsive 2-year-old boy found in a foot of water on whom she was performing CPR, as quoted in the Kalamazoo Gazette. Not to self: invite Louise over for dinner for the rest of my life.

"I well remember the challenge we evangelicals faced in 1980 when our candidate, Ronald Reagan, was the first presidential candidate who had gone through a divorce. We wisely made allowance for God's forgiveness and America was the beneficiary of this historic champion."
Rev. Jerry Falwell in a recent newsletter discussing the reason why evangelicals should support Newt Gingrich's expected bid to run for president in 2008, despite the recent revelation that Gingrich had cheated on his second wife with a congressional aide. Interestingly, Gingrich conducted the affair while he pursued the impeachment of then President Bill Clinton for lying under oath about his affair with Monica Lewinsky. Still, it's nice to know that Falwell can vouch for God forgiving a violation of one of the 10 Commandments.

"God is angry."
Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan, as quoted in the Washington Post. Something tells me he's projecting.

"I believe in God."
Michael LaSane, who pleaded guilty to the 1996 slaying of Middletown, NJ, teacher Kathleen Weinstein, as quoted in a transcript of a tape recording Weinstein secretly made as she repeatedly begged for her life. LaSane carjacked Weinstein and suffocated her so that he could keep her car as a present to himself for his 17th birthday. LaSane's plea was overturned in 2004 when it was revealed that his public defender engaged ina sexual relationship with LaSane's mother. LaSane is currently set to be tried again.

"The Earth was designed and built by God, who still has his hand on the thermostat."
Ill-informed Hopewell Township, Penn., resident Joe Reynolds, in a letter to the editor of The Beaver County Times debunking the scientific evidence in the global warming documentary An Incovenient Truth. If God were anything like my dad, He'd be turning the thermostat down, not up, and yelling at us to wear a sweater.

"It's amazing to me that God took three different women from three different walks of life and created the Dreamgirls. We were meant to be together."
American Idol also-ran, Golden Globe winner, and Best Supporting Actress nominee Jennifer Hudson, as quoted in Essence. It's nice to see God taking time out of his busy schedule of keeping the universe in order to cast a movie musical.

"You can't always expect God to make things easy."
John Bul Dau, Sudanese "Lost Boy" and focus of the new documentary God Grew Tired of Us, as quoted in People magazine. When civil war broke out in the Sudan in 1984, Dau, then 12, fled government fighting by walking more than a thousand miles to refugee camps in Ethiopia and Kenya. "We chewed the grass," said Dau. "We drank mud and urine. It was a very bad life."

"I prayed and I talked to God and I found an apartment. I always felt that God has his hand on me."
Tory Lewis, a formerly homeless mother of one, on how the Lord helped her move out of a shelter, as quoted in Florida's News Leader. Because Lewis believes that God has been guiding her life, one would also have to assume that God pushed her onto the streets in the first place.

"God chose me to be His servant. There is such a thing as freedom of speech.''
San Mateo, Calif., resident Estrella Benavides, who has taken to painting on her house and car messages she recieves from God, as quoted in the San Franciso Chronicle. The 48-year-old woman began painting God's words on her house (see picture below) a year ago, around the time that her husband left her and she lost custody of her son. San Mateo city officials have threatend her with fines of up to $10,00 a day if she does not stop painting the messages on her house, an action that prompted the above quote. And last month as part of a religious fast, she had two pins inserted through her lips to prevent herself from eating.

"Listen, I believe in prayer. I pray every night."
Senator John McCain (R-AZ) on how he plans to end the war in Iraq if he were president, as quoted in Vanity Fair. Keep that up, John. It's working so far.

“The Lord didn’t say nuclear, but I do believe it’ll be something like that--that’ll be a mass killing, possibly millions of people, major cities injured.”
Kook preacher Pat Robinson's prediction that the United States will fall victim to a terrorist attack in the latter half of 2007, as quoted on The 700 Club, Robinson's Home Shopping Network for other religious kooks. Robinson makes annual predictions based on his conversations with God. Not all of his prognostications come to pass, just like those contained in the Bible.

"Even God had not answered me. He had remained locked in the churches, protected in the convents, he had made some chalk statues of Madonnas cry and he had allowed the doctors to go ahead with this absurdity."
Piergiorgio Welby, paralyzed muscular dystrophy patient who could not eat, talk, or breathe on his own, as quoted from a 2002 blog entry. Welby had been requesting to been euthanized since being placed on a respirator after falling into a coma in 1997. Last week, a doctor turned off Welby's respirator, allowing him to die. Welby also wrote on his blog what he imagined dying would be like: "Dying must be like falling asleep after making love, tired, tranquil with that sense of wonder that pervades everything."

"People say, to a so-called ladies' man or whatever, that when you have girls it changes you. So I was like, 'What's God trying to tell me by giving me two girls?' When I pray every morning, I thank God for showing me what he showed me while I still have a chance to enjoy myself."
Sean "Diddy" Combs, whose longtime girlfriend Kim Orter is expecting twins, as quoted in Vibe. Evidently God wants Diddy to stop sleeping with women other than Porter once his daughters are born; God obviously couldn't care less how infedelity affects Combs and Porter's 8-year-old son, Christian.

"I am telling him (Bush) that all the world is threatening you since the general path that the world is taking is towards worshipping god and divinity. This massive stream is moving and you are nothing in comparison to God's will."
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's rejoinder to American President George Bush's remark that Ahmadinejad was a tyrant, as quoted on ExpressIndia.com, the companion Web site to The Indian Express. I have no comment, considering I like my head attached to my body.

"Why did God do this to me?"
James Polehinke, sole survivor of a plane crash in Lexington, Ky, that left him a quadraplegic, as quoted in the Cincinnati Post.

"It was not God. It was just an accident."
His mother's reported response to the question.

"Here I'd always imagined Jesus was the sweet, cuddly, loving dude, and suddenly I find out he makes Conan the Barbarian look like Conan the wimp. He didn't come with a guitar singing Kum Ba Yah. Jesus brought a sword to the earth, and he is still swinging it."
Actor Stephen Baldwin, another person who has obviously never read the gospels, from his book The Unusual Suspect: My Calling to the New Hardcore Movement of Faith, which details how he found Christ

"I like to ask friends of mine, happy couples who seem to have a pretty good marriage, I will ask them, 'How's your sex life?'...They will say something like pretty good or okay or no complaints here. Here's what I tell them: Imagine taking a healthy sex life and inviting the power of God into that exchange."
Actor Stephen Baldwin, who is definitely into the freakiest threesomes ever, from his book The Unusual Suspect: My Calling to the New Hardcore Movement of Faith, which details how he found Christ

"I do not believe that any mental illness exists other than demons, and no medication can straighten it out, other than the power of God."
Pastor Doyle Davidson, who has at least one thing in common with Tom Cruise, testifying at the murder trial of Dena Schlosser, as quoted on the Web site of NBC affilaite KXAN in Austin, Texas. Scholsser is accused of cutting the arms off of her 10-month-old daughter. Her husband, John, also testified he wasn't alarmed and didn't seek medical help when his wife told him she wanted to "give the baby to God" about a week before the murder.

"Can't you see they're already in hell? Hell is a place in life. In death, everyone is redeemed."
God, in a message to Bishop Carlton Pearson, as quoted in the Northeast Mississippi Daily Journal. Pearson reportedly received the message as he watched a news segment on starving Rwandan refugees and asked God "how you can call yourself a loving God and allow [the refugees] to suffer so much and then send them to hell." Since hearing the message, Pearson has preached that Hell does not exist and has seen his congregation fall from a high of 6,000 persons to a few hundred

"[T]hat lie we have been told, the separation of church and state, people have internalized, thinking that they needed to avoid politics and that is so wrong because God is the one who chooses our rulers. And if we are the ones not actively involved in electing those godly men and women and if people aren’t involved in helping godly men in getting elected than we’re going to have a nation of secular laws. That’s not what our founding fathers intended and that’s certainly isn't [sic] what God intended."
Congresswoman Katherine Harris (R-FL) , alleged vote tinkerer and possibly the poorest student of both the electorial process and American history, as quoted in the Florida Baptist Witness

"Jesus is Love. Transport for Christ."
Mud flaps seen on an 18-wheeler. Transport for Christ is an evangelical group that supports truckers with ministries in truckstops across North America.

"This is a Christian household. If you hate God do not move in."
Statement in a lease landlord and God-loving man Joe Fabics provides to tenants renting one of six rooms in his New Brunswick, NJ, house. Fabics, who has most likely never read New Jersey's Fair Housing Act, explained the inclusion of the statement this way: "The reason for that is people lie to me and say they believe. But they are actually atheists and won't feel comfortable because this is actually God's house"

"Thank you, Jesus!"
Junior Stowers, Honolulu man responding in court to his acquittal of abusing his son. Stowers' outburst landed him in jail for contempt of court because the judge had warned defense and prosecuting attorneys that neither side should show any emotion after the verdict was read

"In a place like this, words fail; in the end, there can be only a dread silence, a silence which itself is a heartfelt cry to God: Why, Lord, did you remain silent? How could you tolerate all this?"
Pope Benedict XVI, speaking rhetorically, during a speech at the Auschwitz concentration camp

"I do not know what we did. But we must have sinned for God to be angry like this."
Jodi Riwono, a survivor of an earthquake that struck near the town of Yogyakarta in Indonesia and a man who knows little about plate tectonics, as quoted in Time magazine

"You look at things that have happened to us this year. You look at some of the moves we made and didn't make. You look at some of the games we're winning. Those aren't just a coincidence. God has definitely had a hand in this."
Dan O'Dowd, Colorado Rockies general manager, on his team's first winning season since 2000, which he credits to the organization's embrace of Christianity. As Christians, the Rockies' management has banned profanity-laced music and men's magazines from the clubhouse; the team continues, however, to play in a ball park named Coors Field

"If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms."
Lunatic preacher Pat Robertson, displaying his ignorance of meteorology

"My god is a god who wants me to have things. He wants me to bling! He wants me to be the hottest thing on the block."
Mary J. Blige, singer and someone who has obviously never read the New Testament, as quoted in Blender magazine

"I said a little prayer before I actually did the fingerprint thing and the picture. My prayer was basically, 'Let people see Christ through me. And let me smile.' "
Tom DeLay, as quoted in Time magazine, explaining why he smiled in his mug shot after being booked on charges of money laundering and conspiracy

"Thank God because we didn't really have much else going in our game. I thought our five-on-five play was way below our capability level, so thank God our power play was sharp."
Kevin Constantine, coach of the Everett (Wash.) Silvertips hockey team, who offered thanks for having more players on the ice than the opposing team

"Thank God for dead soldiers."
Protest sign spotted at funerals for US soldiers killed in Iraq. Led by Rev. Fred Phelps and attended by members of his Westboro (Kan.) Baptist Church, the protests reflect the fundamentalist church's belief that military deaths in Iraq are God's punishment for the United States allowing homosexuals to live within its boarders

"Human life is a gift from our Creator—and that gift should never be discarded, devalued, or put up for sale."
President George Bush, as quoted from his 2006 State of the Union Address. As of February 2006, more than 28,000 Iraqi civilians and 2,200 US soldiers have died in the war in Iraq; as governor of Texas, George Bush presided over 152 executions

"I, uh, I had a conversation with God, basically. I don't know how to interpret this, but he said, 'I've given you this beautiful gift and you're throwing it away.' "
Fergie, singer of the poorly hyphenated group Black Eyed Peas, quoted in Blender magazine, thanking God for the courage to sing songs such as "My Humps," about her awesome tits and ass

"God has blessed me with legs and ass."
Stacy Keibler, former WWE starlet and current reality show dancer, quoted in Stuff magazine, thanking the Supreme Being for the body parts her male fans most often masturbate to